What Is Your Intimate Prayer?

This morning I spent some time listening to one of my favorite songs by David Crowder, called “All I Can Say.” It’s a very intimate song, very sparse and offered like a deep and difficult prayer.

Here is a simple video of the song so you can hear it, plus some of the words listed below: 

Approximate run time: 4 minutes, 30 seconds

Click here if you’re unable to see the video.

Lord, I’m tired,

So tired of walking.

And, Lord, I’m so alone.

Lord, the dark is creeping in,

It’s creeping up to swallow me.

I think I’ll stop and rest here a while.

This is all that I can say right now.

This is all that I can give.

This is all that I can say right now.

This is all that I can give —

That’s my everything.

Oh, did you see me crying?

Oh, and did you hear me call your name?

Wasn’t it you I gave my heart to?

I wish you’d remember where you set it down.

This is all that I can say right now —

I know it’s not much.

But this is all that I can give —

That’s my everything.

Do those words not arrest you? Are they not the desperate, weary plea of someone who has come to the end of himself? 

I love the way these words demonstrate an intimate reality between this person and their God. He is not afraid to tell the truth. In fact, he seems completely unable to avoid the truth that is inside him. He is not afraid to cry out, be real, and ask the hard questions before God. He’s not afraid to tell God he’s tired and alone. 

Do you ever speak such intimate prayers before God? What might be the intimate prayer of your heart before God right now?

Sitting on a Bench With Jesus

Today, I invite you into an imaginative prayer exercise. I encourage you to read each paragraph slowly, taking in each question, one at a time, and considering your response before moving on.

Imagine yourself sitting on a bench with Jesus right now. Where is the bench? What kind of material is it made out of? What is in the environment surrounding you on that bench? 

Now consider yourself on that bench with him. What are you wearing? How are you sitting? What are you doing with your hands? Do you have a sense of any feelings at work in you as you are aware of sitting next to Jesus on the bench? 

Now look at Jesus on that bench. What does his face look like? What is he wearing? How is his posture as he sits there with you?

Look closely at his eyes, then. What are they like? What do they say? 

As you sit on this bench with Jesus, what do you say? How does he respond?

God Adores You

This morning I caught a glimpse of how much God adores you. 

You may know that Kirk and I have two kitties — their names are Solomon and Diva — who bring a lot of delight and laughter into our household. They also teach me a lot about God on a regular basis. For instance, I wrote once that Diva is my teacher on contemplative prayer. 

Sometimes in the morning, when I sit at my desk, Diva will follow me there and beg for attention. 

I can hardly resist petting her, and sometimes she makes it impossible for me to do anything else. She’ll circle around at my feet, make little squawking noises, look up at me with her plaintive blue eyes without blinking, stand on her hind legs and paw my arm, or jump directly onto my lap without any warning. 

She knows exactly what she wants, and she’s not afraid to ask for it.

Sometimes her persistence and fearlessness teach me how we’re welcome to approach God, but this morning, on the flip side, I caught a glimpse of God’s great love for us.

Like I said, I can hardly resist petting Diva — not only because she makes it nearly impossible to avoid, but also because I delight in her so much. I find her beautiful. I love stroking her soft fur. Her blue eyes always arrest me. Her vulnerability only increases her preciousness to me. 

But there’s something about Diva, being a cat, that will never fully satisfy my own desire for love while loving her. She loves me, but in a trusting, dependent kind of way. She can’t reciprocate — fully — the love I feel for her, and she never will.

I think that’s part of the joy God had in creating you and me. 

Just as parents pour out love for their children in abundance and selflessness over years, I can imagine there comes a point in time when their joy becomes even more full when their children start to love them from a place of maturity, as adults. The parent begins to receive love not simply for having been parents but also for who they are. What grace.

God must have felt pride and incredible affection for all he had created in the world before humans came into the mix. But once humans entered in, the potential for requited love did too. We can talk and reason and relate and grow in maturity and our capacity for love. 

I think the potential for receiving that kind of reciprocal love from us really excites God. 

Given the love and joy that overflow out of my heart toward Diva each day, I know that God dearly adores you. But even more than that, I know he’s eager to enjoy the mutuality of love that is uniquely possible with you as a human being.

In light of that, what kind of response can you offer God today? What does it look like for you to enjoy your uniquely human ability to talk and be in relationship with God right now?

What Is Your Perception of Jesus?

This morning I read a passage in John 15 that invites us into a particular perception of Jesus. He is sitting in the upper room with his disciples, sharing his final meal with them, and before leaving to spend time in the garden in prayer, he says: 

“I’ve loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you’ll remain intimately at home in my love. That’s what I’ve done — kept my Father’s commands and made myself at home in his love.”

— John 15:9-10

With these words, Jesus invites us into a relationship with him that mirrors the relationship he shares with his Father. We know this to be a relationship of real intimacy, given the regular times Jesus would steal away from the crowds in order to spend time alone in prayer. He often tells his disciples that he doesn’t do or say anything that his Father hasn’t given him to do or say. And when he was baptized in the Jordan River, the clouds part and God’s voice from heaven says, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” 

Clearly, they shared a relationship of great intimacy. Jesus was at home in his Father’s love. 

It made me wonder if you feel at home in the love of Jesus. 

What would that even mean to you? What does being at home in someone’s love look like?

When Jesus invites us to make ourselves at home in his love, he assumes we carry a certain perception of him inside ourselves, doesn’t he? His invitation assumes we consider him someone in whose love we can feel at home. 

Does this match your perception of Jesus? When you consider Jesus, what comes to mind? Is he someone in whose love you feel compelled to rest?

We Are Not Defined by Guilt

This past weekend, I attended a retreat to complete three years of training in the ministry of spiritual direction. For this week’s entries on Still Forming, I’ll be posting reflections gleaned from the retreat that made me think of you and this space throughout the weekend.

Today I am writing the post that first inspired me to create this week-long series of retreat reflections for you in the first place.

It has to with guilt.

On the first night of the retreat, I was weighed down with feelings of guilt in a big way. Earlier in the week I had received an invoice that informed me I was not paid up on my Audire account like I thought I was. I had a large balance I was unprepared to pay that weekend.

Although grace was offered in the payment schedule, I arrived at the retreat feeling a bit unworthy to be there. After all, I hadn’t yet covered my expenses.

I walked around with a bit of a hang-dog feel.

I also realized about halfway through the first night’s session that I’d forgotten to bring my assignments for the weekend with me. I’d left them at home. I had to leave the retreat campus that evening in order to go home and retrieve the papers.

On my drive home that night, the hang-dog feel was in full force. Guilt was my very-present companion.

But sitting at a stop light on that drive home, I had a revelation.

I realized how much my feeling of worthiness in that moment was dependent on what other people thought. In effect, they held the validity of my worthiness in their hands.

The funny thing is, they didn’t even know this was the case.

In actuality, they likely hadn’t given me and my supposed shortcomings a second thought. And they most definitely weren’t walking around the retreat center stewing over what I did or didn’t do!

Sitting there at the stop light, I turned my thoughts to God. When God looked down upon me and these supposed shortcomings, what did he see?

I saw nothing but grace and understanding on God’s eyes.

When he looked at the circumstances of my unpaid bill, he knew it would take some time for me to pay it off. That didn’t stop him from welcoming me into the retreat to spend time with him and discover what he had prepared for me to discover. And when he saw my forgotten papers waiting there at home for me, he knew why I had forgotten them. He saw the circumstances surrounding it.

And it was all okay. Really okay.

I was reminded in that moment of that passage in Romans 8 that says there is no condemnation — absolutely none — for those who are in Christ Jesus. There is only full acceptance, love, and grace.

Do you struggle with guilt, too? Are you able to see that guilt as a way of placing your worth in the hands of others? Are you able in this moment to place yourself instead in the hands of God?

Where Is Your Sacred Place?

This past weekend, I attended a retreat to complete three years of training in the ministry of spiritual direction. For this week’s entries on Still Forming, I’ll be posting reflections gleaned from the retreat that made me think of you and this space throughout the weekend.

On my very first morning of training in spiritual direction three years ago, we entered the chapel on the retreat grounds for a short service of welcome and blessing. I stepped inside the chapel you see featured in the photo above and was immediately stopped short in amazement at its arresting beauty and grandeur. 

The far wall of the chapel is nothing but windows that look out upon groves of trees and flowers and sky. The high wooden beams on the ceiling seem to extend upwards for miles and create a sense of safety and solidity to those seated within that place. One far wall is nothing but a stained glass window of dark blues and greens and reds offered in tribute to Mary, the mother of Jesus.

I can’t tell you how many times I have sat inside this chapel and simply stared in silence at this wall of windows or up at the cedar-like beams, drinking in the silence and holiness of that place. 

God has met me here many times these last three years.

When I need a place of respite or silent holiness, this is place I go. When I have met on retreat with my Audire community over the last three years, I looked forward with great anticipation to the Taize services we would share inside this chapel on the first night of each retreat.

God is in this place.

Do you have a holy space like this in your life? What is it like? How did you discover it? What does it offer your spirit in communion with God?

Trusting God's Presence in Future Moments

I don’t know about you, but I struggle a great deal with anxiety. It has been a part of my life for a very long time. 

One way anxiety often shows up in my life is in thoughts and anticipation of future moments. It may be a meeting I’ve been asked to lead, a project deadline I’m trying to hit, a coffee date I have scheduled with a friend, or a simple list of tasks I need to complete the following day. 

No matter the future moment, large or small, anxiety begins to creep in and connect itself to my mind and body. Often without realizing it, I start shaking my leg. My shoulders tense, and my neck sets. Sometimes I start picking at my fingernails or chewing them. Often, I stop what I’m in the middle of doing and stare off into space, mulling over the future moment and imagining how it could unfold.

Do you ever experience this?

This morning, three future moments held me captive.

As each of them paraded themselves before my mind, my heart began racing and I grew short of breath. I wanted to run and hide. I didn’t know how I would possibly meet the very high expectations I’d set for myself in my mind regarding each one. Already in my mind, it was a foregone conclusion that I’d fail.

But as I spent time with God this morning, I decided to start talking with him about these future moments and my fears. 

And in the midst of that conversation, almost as soon as it began, an amazing thing happened. 

I realized God is already present in those moments. 

When I step into that room, God is already there. When I participate in that discussion, God is there among us. When those decisions get made, God is there. When I tackle that project that’s due in a couple days, God will be there with me as I complete it each step of the way. When I juggle various commitments on my schedule the next few weeks, God has already seen them all. 

As I realized this, a peaceful calm swept over me.

I could envision God in that room. I could see him presiding over that discussion and those decisions. I could see him sitting next to me as I completed that project. I could see him companioning with me as I live through these next few weeks. 

He is there.

There’s something immensely comforting about that. Comforting, as well as relieving.

Are there future moments you’re struggling with right now? Have you noticed the way these future moments affect your physiological reactions in the world?

Today, as you notice those future moments and the concerns they raise inside you, I encourage you stop for a moment and pay them some attention. Hold that future moment in your mind, and then imagine God in that future moment with you. Imagine him getting there ahead of you, in fact, and holding it all in hand, aware of all that will transpire and able to hold it for you and with you.

What is it like for you to trust God’s presence in those future moments?

How Is Your Life With God?

This website, when it first began, was going to be a place to talk generally about spiritual formation, based on the courses I was taking for my graduate studies. I had planned for there to be essays and resources about the spiritual life and what it means to form over time in our lives with God. It was also going to be a place for me to “form out loud” and share pieces of my own interior journey with God and myself with you.

But over time, my understanding of what this space is meant to be has grown.

Specifically, I’ve noticed that this is meant to be a space devoted to you.

Life can be so hectic.

Especially in this time in which we live, when there is no shortage of information coming toward us each moment and there is so much opportunity for connectivity and ongoing distraction. It can be so easy to get lost in the noise, to drown out the still moments and our sense of ourselves with activity without ever realizing what’s been lost in the process.

Consider this space an oasis from the noise. A place for stillness. For reflection. For a contemplative moment you share with yourself and with God each day.

Each morning of the week, as I spend time with God and hold you and this online space in my mind, I will write a post that grows out of that time with God and invites you into a contemplative moment. The posts each day may pose a question or invite you to make an observation about your life or interior journey.

They will always be written with the intention to invite you to slow down and notice what is true for you and your relationship with yourself, the world around you, and with God. 

I anticipate that the questions or opportunities for reflection may recycle from time to time, and I think that is okay. On any given day, depending on the circumstances of life in which we find ourselves, our answers to any given question may be different, right?

So each day, as you are invited into a still moment of reflection here, consider how it applies to you in the concrete place in which you find yourself in that moment in time.

The purpose is ongoing reflection … intentionality … stillness … at least for a few moments each day. 

This morning, then, as I spent time with God and asked him what question or thoughts might be most helpful for you today, your connection to God came to mind. 

How is your life with God in this moment?