Bend an ear, God; answer me.

I'm one miserable wretch!

Keep me safe -- haven't I lived a good life?

Help your servant -- I'm depending on you!

You're my God; have mercy on me.

I count on you from morning to night.

Give your servant a happy life; 

I put myself in your hands!

You're well-known as good and forgiving, 

bighearted to all who ask for help.

Pay attention, God, to my prayer;

bend down and listen to my cry for help.

Every time I'm in trouble I call on you,

confident that you'll answer.

There's no one quite like you among the gods, O Lord,

and nothing to compare with your works.

All the nations you made are on their way,

ready to give honor to you, O Lord,

ready to put your beauty on display,

parading your greatness,

and the great things you do -- 

God, you're the one, there's no one but you!

Train me, God, to walk straight; 

then I'll follow your true path.

Put me together, one heart and mind;

then, undivided, I'll worship in joyful fear.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you, dear Lord;

I've never kept secret what you're up to.

You've always been great toward me -- what love!

You snatched me from the brink of disaster!

God, these bullies have reared their heads!

A gang of thugs is after me -- 

and they don't care a thing about you.

But you, O God, are both tender and kind,

not easily angered, immense in love,

and you never, never quit.

So look me in the eye and show kindness, 

give your servant the strength to go on,

save your dear, dear child!

Make a show of how much you love me

so the bullies who hate me will stand there slack-jawed,

as you, God, gently and powerfully

put me back on my feet.

(Psalm 86, The Message)

I stayed in the grave five days. Five days of kneeling on the ground in the woods, the dirt digging into my knees, unable to look up at God standing next to me so quietly and patiently. Five days of tears streaming down my face into the dirt. Five days of silence as I went deeper and deeper into my grief and surrender.

I knew the entire time that God would not deny my broken and contrite heart. That was not my fear. I couldn't get up because I wanted to experience the fullness of the contrition and repentance turning and turning inside my heart. I wanted to know, deep within, what was happening in me and to stand when it was really time to stand, when the turn of repentance had been fully realized.

On the fourth day in the grave, I read the above psalm. I read it several times, and it met me in that place of being bowed over on the ground before God. It spoke of being a miserable wretch and needing God's help and rescue, and the end of the psalm gave me hope of his kindness and mercy, of the gentle way he would lift me up from the ground and hold my hand as we kept walking down the path in this woods when I was ready.

Also on that fourth day, shortly after reading the psalm, I listened to the song embedded above by Mumford and Sons, "After the Storm." I'd only recently purchased the album that held this song, and I'd not noticed this particular song much until that fourth day in the grave. But on that day, the song met me right where I was, and both the song and Psalm 86 became the cry of my heart on the ground in the woods.

The next morning, the fifth day in the grave, I sat at my desk and read Psalm 86 again and again. I listened to "After the Storm" on repeat, too, and just let both of them wash over me and penetrate my heart more fully. I sat with the words of the psalm and let them be the cry of my heart to God. I must have listened to the song on repeat at least twenty times that morning!

I was moved by the song's words about one's head being lifted, about being taken by the hand and walking into a new land with grace in one's heart and flowers in one's hair. I could see that eventually, not just after I got up off the ground but also after continuing to walk with God further through the woods, I would eventually see that new land. I would come upon that village, and grace would be full inside my heart. A smile would be wide upon my face, and small yellow and purple wildflowers would be laced through my hair in a simple crown of joy and freedom when I arrived.

But right then, on that fifth day in the grave, my heart was broken. It was broken at seeing my sin, but it was also broken because of how I love Jesus. I wanted to give him everything. I wanted him to make in me a pure heart. The ongoing prayer of my heart were these words from the psalm:

Train me, God, to walk straight;

then I'll follow your true path.

Put me together, one heart and mind;

then, undivided, I'll worship.

Standing up in that place, I knew, was about agreeing to walk with Jesus everywhere, about learning how to make every movement a movement with God in Christ. It was about learning to walk straight on God's true path with one heart and one mind, undivided in worship. It was about making him my everything, my whole existence.

On that fifth morning of reading that psalm and listening to that song over and over, it happened. Somehow, in the midst of it all, I crossed over. I noticed, once I became aware of my love for Jesus, that I began to focus on a different portion of the psalm. A smile crept over my lips, and I began to worship at these words:

All the nations you made are on their way . . . 

ready to put your beauty on display,

parading your greatness,

and the great things you do -- 

God, you're the one, there's no one but you!

I sat there that morning at my desk with my eyes closed and a smile beginning to fill my face as these words became the focus of my worship. I began praising God in my heart.

In this place of worship, I saw myself stand up from the ground in the woods and take the hand of Jesus. We faced the path forward again. We didn't take a step forward yet, but I knew that time would come. For that moment, we just stood together, hand in hand. I reveled in what it was like to stand up, to bask in the goodness and kindness of God, and to simply hold his hand and let his grace wash over my repentant heart.

It was absolutely wonderful to stand up and stand next to him, eyes closed and face upraised, and let the sun shine on my face through the trees above me. Jesus was standing next to me, holding my hand and with a smile on his face, too, as he watched me turn my face to the sun, eyes closed, just basking in the sun's warmth and radiance. There was no hurry in this place, just full acceptance and enjoyment.

There I stood, by the grace and kindness of God.